One problem which has plagued the evolution of music is the almost complete lack of instruments which can be played solely with the nose. Aside from the Polynesian Nose Flute (and arguably the drums) there are few dedicated instruments which don’t leave the player concussed, bleeding and broken.
Plus the nose flute, if you think about it, is somewhat grotty and needs at least a boil wash before you pass it onto a colleague or if you and your fellow performers transport your instruments in a single bamboo receptacle.
Artists from Schubert, Santana and Gina G, through to Celtic Frost and Justin Bieber have all gone on record at some point over the last 200-309 years, complaining that the humble nose was capable of so much more when it comes to the creation of sustained musical expression, if only the instruments existed.
Now, thanks to a humble games developer in Dundee, the world of music creation and performance has been revolutionised, expanded and invigorated, with the creation of the Nosemonica. Mike Cowan, an ambitious and pioneering software engineer, working with one of the country’s most prolific studios, created the ‘application’ after watching a drunken friend sneezing up a trumpet.
Based upon the rather mundane Apple iPhone, the Nosemonica faithfully and stylishly replicates the toots, moans and eerily discordant chords of the mouth organ – but uniquely, deliciously and joyfully, recreated to be played with the nose of the average mammal (including tapirs and elephants).
Now every warm nosed entity – which owns an iPhone – can impress and throw shapes upon the stage of their choosing, while laying down some serious grooves, using only their main nostril-housing protuberance – on an amateur or professional basis.
From blues and soul, through to funk, jazz and metal of ultimate heaviness, Nosemonica offers musicians – professional and amateur alike – the opportunity to incorporate more nose into their compositions, or performances.
Better yet, Nosemonica does not require the artist to actually breathe in order to produce sound, making the Nosemonica suitable for the recently deceased, hard-rocking zombies, giants, ultra-realistic sex dolls and habitual cocaine using celebrities whose noses have collapsed into little more and wobbly flaps of flesh.
Officially endorsed by One Direction, the Academy of St-Martin-In-The-Fields and Nizlopi, Nosemonica is now available for iPhone, iPod and iPad.
It’s possible that the Nosemonica will be used by Blur in their historic opening performance at the 2012 London Olympic Games (TM), so now is the time for hipsters and pointless media twats to get it, before everyone else. Alternatively, of course, you can get it ironically, once everyone else already has it.
Get it. Get it now. Get it and fall in hot, smoking love with your nose all over again. Follow, follow them on Facebook like the helpless sheep you are and watch in wonder as Rockstars like Lemmy and Flavor Flav start using the Nosemonica to add a little magic to their prodigious output.
What tunes can you play on your Nosemonica, readers?