If the weary burden of everyday life, personal decision making and taking responsibility for the hopeless mediocrity of your unexceptional, talentless little life is getting you down – or if you’re a Hollywood A lister with pots of money and an increasingly anxious partner – then perhaps you should consider seeking guidance.
Yes, guidance. From someone experienced, illuminated and able. Someone with charisma. Someone who can take the weight from around your shoulders, the money from your bank account, the credit for your decisions and the cherry from your attractive daughter.
You know it’s right. You know that it all makes sense now. Life is light. Light is love. Love is blowing kisses towards the beloved leader’s fleet of Rolls Royces and scrubbing the grim interior of a cruise ship which has been repurposed as a floating dormitory of correction, for those who have yet to surrender their PIN number, or who retain an element of personality.
You want to be here. You want to chant, hold hands with a former shoe shop manager and a noted movie producer. You want to know how to purify your soul and stop it being sucked into a space volcano by a nasty thing with tentacles when the galaxy ends. Thankfully it’s a simple process. You give them your money and help them stockpile weapons. It’s a registered religion, so you’re doing good. People need to know about this. The more people who join, the more will be saved. They can join you when you move to a higher vibrational state and leave for the comet, which is an alien spaceship which is coming to take you to join Ashtar command and the illuminated brethren of the universal consciousness.
The tiny nagging doubt, the infinitesimal squeaky voice at the back of your head which is wondering why the Lord Jebus would reincarnate as a balding, football-headed, robe-wearing, blank-eyed, sparkly-toothed, gun-toting psychopath, then you are alone. You lack faith. You need to work harder, give more, extinguish all rational thought. Hallelujahgobble…
Or, you can make other people do that and concentrate of hearing the voice of (various) God(s)/Ashtar/Xenu/William Shatner and start racking up the cash, the followers, the chicks/dudes and ensure they’re living *right*.
Cult Leader, the Facebook game from the gloriously monickered Two Monocle Games has been released. It’s live, it’s been updated. It now features well known faces and characters and events from the real world, making it even more terrifyingly sinister fun. You can now ‘encourage’ your followers to wear the faces of topical personalities such as Bradley Wiggins, Michael Phelps, James or Rupert Murdoch, David Bowie, Julian Assange or Jimmy ‘poorly advised’ Carr. The recent sporting event in London also offers a huge opportunity to find new recruits and create new missions to hunt down the bloated and bewildered.
Cult Leader is in open beta. The company would like YOU to play it and tell them everything. They will analyse your personality and give you help and support and love and light and your own jumpsuit.
Go and play it. Play it now. Play the game. Now. Go on. It’s guaranteed to be 70% free from subliminal messages and indoctrination.
Selah!