“Blue Hotel,” sang honey-voiced American crooner and presumed Black Lodge prisoner, Chris Isaak, “on a lonely highway” [Chris Isaak: Blue Hotel, from the album Chris Isaak, 1986, Warner Bros, Erik Jacobsen]. The man clearly knew his potatoes, though perhaps not the intricacies of the hospitiality industry, as a blue hotel – a hotel which was entirely and thoroughly blue – would not simply be a solid expanse of azure, reminiscent of the mediterranean sky and a joyful, shocking expression of facility as art.
No, it would be nightmare to navigate. Your depth perception would be minimal and you would have great difficulty simply finding your room within the cerulean sensefest. Room service would be very slow and the food, if indeed it finally arrived, would also be blue, causing all but the most dedicated trenchermen to lose much of their appetite.
To give the golden-throated rockabilly countryman and part-time actor his due, in many ways Mr Isaak predicted these problems and suggested a surprisingly elegant solution. “What a wicked game you play,” he crooned in his breakthrough album Heart Shaped World [Wicked Game, 1989, Reprise, Prod: Erik Jacobsen], “when you make me feel this way.”
“The way it makes you feel” – far from being a mishearing of lyrics from Michael Jackson’s The Way You Make Me Feel [from the Album Bad, 1987, Epic, Prod: Quincy Jones/Michael Jackson] is clearly Mr Isaak suggesting potential residents of his impractical blue hotel acclimatise themselves to the visual overload of his preposterous hostelry, with an abstract representation of their likely experience. An interactive version or wicked ‘game’ which, while not an actual simulacrum, would provide prospective guests with an example of what it would potentially be like to stay in a truly bad hotel.
Thus it is we find ourselves in the position where you too can experience and ‘enjoy’ a Bad Hotel experience, without having to book rooms, travel or go run the risk of falling foul of criminally-minded staff or poor registration procedures which mean “you can check in any time you like, but you can never leave” [Hotel California: The Eagles, from the album Hotel California, 1976, Asylum, Prod: Bill Szymczyk].
The team at Lucky Frame has devoted much time to addressing these issues and saving many a weary traveller, coach party and tour group from a lifetime of hotel-based misery by equipping them with the necessary life skills to address hostile hostels in all forms. Such as, for example, the owner of your current residence trying to sell up and deploying explosively-armed wildlife to destroy your room and indeed the entire facility. Which may leave the poor traveller thinking “I don’t know where I’m going, but, I sure know where I’ve been” [Here I Go Again, Whitesnake, from the album Saints & Sinners, 1982, Geffen, Prod: Martin Birch]
Bad Hotel has been recognised internationally as crucial application for every traveller, domestic, international, global and – should the new de-nationalised and private corporation-backed ‘space race’ continue to innovate – globally and galactically too, making space travel at once safer, more professional and “a cosmic celebration” [Vengaboys: Vengababes From Outer Space, from the album The Party Album, 1998, Groovilicious/S.R, Prod: Vengaboys]
Thanks to the foresight and business acumen of Lucky Frame, Android owners, the most numerous of smartphone owners, can now access and learn how to survive a perilous hotel situation, joining players on iOS, OSX, Windows and Linux, to find out exactly why the game has been an IGF Finalist, BAFTA Awards winner, TIGA Award nominee and darling of the mobile entertainment market for many months now.
To quote the liner notes:
Bad Hotel is an insane hybrid of a tower defense game and a procedural music toy, with beautiful art and tons of bullets. You are a budding entrepreneur, whose hotel is rather unfortunately located within the territory of Tarnation Tadstock, the Texas Tyrant. Your only defense against Tadstock’s army of seagulls, rats, yetis, and more is to build your hotel as quickly and intelligently as possible, using an array of increasingly sophisticated weapons. The beautiful artwork, quirky storyline, and frantic gameplay all work seamlessly together with a generative music system, which creates original music depending on the player’s actions and decisions. The player becomes a composer, creating complex musical structures to defend their hotel. A vast variety of music can be generated, from delicate beach chillout to country banjo techno.
“It’s Yourz” [Wu Tang Clan: It’s Yourz, from the album Wu Tang Forever, 1997, Loud/RCA/BMG, Prod: RZA, 4th Disciple, True Master, Inspectah Deck] for a mere £1.49. Yes, “The world in the palm of your hand! Twenty three million of useful land!” for only £1.49. Yetis with all bombs on. Pure mental attack birds. On your Android.
“Get it while it’s hot” [Kix: Get It While It’s Hot, from the album Blow My Fuse, 1988, Atlantic, Prod: Tom Werman, Duane Baron, John Purdell]